Re-entering the singles world after you had pretty much planned your entire life with someone is a jarring experience. On the upside, my newly single status has presented a plethora of opportunities for me to ridicule other people whose problems and dating prospects are clearly much bleaker than mine. While I am seriously concerned about the crop of men that lies before me, I am at least entertained by the words they allow to escape their mouths. I am even more entertained by the fact that they think these words will make me, or any female for that matter, go weak in the knees.
Allow me to provide some real life examples of why things are going awry as I force myself back into the dating pool. Apparently things haven't changed much since I wrote this two years ago. This is just one week in the life of a Dallas 20-something single lady. It's a scary place out there.
Pick-up line that will never work #4
"Taking applications for little spoon."
The crazies of the world continue to flock to Tinder. If they're kind of sort of attractive and you decide to courteously throw a green checkmark in their direction, they say things like this. It's true that every girl prefers little spoon. Plus, calling me "little" makes me feel kind of thin. But ... I don't want to be your little spoon because I DON'T KNOW YOU. Go away.
Pick-up line that will never work #5
"You're getting your MBA? That's cool!"
"I mean, if we're taking our clothes off for MBAs, then yeah. If not, then it's just whatever."
I'm complimenting you. I'm trying to learn more about you. I'm taking an interest in your life. You, meanwhile, are mentally undressing me. Stop it. Also, your entire future is just whatever, but getting naked with a random, THAT is where you find your life's fulfillment? Just stop. Really.
Pick-up line that will never work #6
"Want to get out of here?"
"OK. Do you know who Dirk Nowitski is?"
(Boy walks away)
There are only two things your typical Uptown guy is thinking about at any point in time: 1) Getting in a girl's pants. 2) Sports. These two topics I can predict. This particular guy's randomly meandering path between these topics, I cannot predict. Nor am I enthused about either topic to begin with. (I mean, if it's not football season and if the Thunder don't make it to the Finals, yawn.) But, I am slightly curious what he wanted to tell me about Dirk Nowitski. Are they distant cousins? Can random get me court side seats? Sadly, I'll never know. SUCH A LOSS.
Pick-up line that will never work #7
"Just looking for my Tinderella."
This is a real line. Used by multiple Tinder dweebs. You aren't clever. You aren't funny. You aren't endearing. Your so-called "Tinderellas" know what you're really looking for: it starts with "s" and ends with what I now call that one guy I dated for awhile. (Hint: that spells sex.) Grow up.
Pick-up line that will never work #8
"Good afternoon. Hey! You and your dog are matching. You're wearing yellow and she's brown. That's cute."
You're probably wondering, is this guy color blind? But no, this is your typical homeless man pick-up line. These lines never make sense, and they happen all the time. I just smile and nod. And walk a little bit faster.
Pick-up line that will never work #9
(Guy pulls over to talk to me as I try to cross the street with Roxanne)
"Can you give me directions to the Galleria?"
"Sorry? The Galleria as in the mall?"
"You realize you're in downtown Dallas, right? The Galleria is like 10 miles away."
"Oh, OK. So can you tell me how to get there?"
"Ummm OK but there's not really a simple way to .... I guess keep going straight, turn right on Canton, take the ramp on the left to merge onto I-30 West then take I-35E North to Dallas North Tollway. You want to take the tollway north then you'll see signs for the Galleria."
(He clearly didn't follow any of that)
"I thought you said it was close by?"
"No. It's really far away."
"Oh. Well you look very nice today. What's your name?"
(Creepily leans out the window to give me a once over)
"Cindy. OK, bye!"
So, sir, a few questions for you: What is your best case scenario here? Do you envision me insisting that you abandon your mall adventure and instead join me upstairs for some hanky panky? Never going to happen. Also, are you really even looking for the mall? Or just randomly trolling the streets of downtown Dallas? I'm not following your plan here. Plus, I just saw a cat on a leash and my brain can't handle any other weird downtown happenings and/or people right now. I mean, A CAT ON A LEASH.
And that, folks, is what I'm dealing with: cats on leashes and men whose behavior cannot be explained. It's not looking good. Not to worry, I'll keep you updated.