11.01.2012

Dear radio stations of the world ...

PLEASE STOP PLAYING THESE SONGS

 

Some of them were cool at first, and some of them were never cool. The main problem is that you continue playing these songs, and no one wants to hear them anymore. (The people that do still want to hear them have awful taste in music, and you should not be encouraging their bad habits.)


Katy Perry -- "Wide Awake"

I'm going to estimate that I've already heard this song approximately 30 times today, and I'll hear it an additional 10 million times before the day is over. I admit that this song is better than  "E.T.," but what song doesn't surpass that weird intergalactic anthem? I just want to listen to "Last Friday Night" and "Teenage Dream" and forget this song ever happened. Is that so much to ask? Also, this music video is trippy and creepy.



B.O.B. -- "Airplanes"

I thought this song was annoying when I first heard it in Australia. My annoyed attitude quickly turned to extreme hatred because my neighbor across the hall listened to this jam on repeat all. Day. Long. We're talking 20 times in a row. I like to exaggerate, but that statistic is not exaggerated. I thought I had escaped "Airplanes" when I returned to the States. Wrong. Not-so-luckily for me, the American radio stations discovered this song months after the Aussies, so I had to go through the the turmoil of this song being overplayed by a new slew of people in a different country. And now, almost three years later, STILL people want to hear this song? Why? WHYYYY?




10.10.2012

Nail Polish Nightmare

My most recent situation was part Incredible Hulk, part Carrie Bradshaw. The Hulk because it involved my super human strength; Carrie Bradshaw because the culprit that led to this predicament was a beauty product.

We're twins. (Fraternal, not identical.)


This is the Carrie Bradshaw I want to be.

This is the Carrie Bradshaw I actually am. (Except I don't even look cute in tutus.)

Additionally, both of these characters are fictional. Audiences watch in wonder and say, "Surely that would never happen to anyone in real life." Ladies and gentlemen, you've just described my 23 years on this earth.

Only I can lock myself INSIDE an apartment.

Only I can unintentionally put on a peep show for 40 Asian tourists.

And only I can end up in urgent care after a run-in with a nail polish bottle.

It all starts with open-toed shoes. I don't realize until I'm at work that -- gasp! -- my toe nails are not painted and the whole world can see thanks to my open-toed shoes selection. I realize it's a little silly I'm concerned about such things because I work at a zoo. Nail polish is not a must-have for most zoo employees, but it is for this one. Exposing naked non-painted toes is just a no-no.

9.12.2012

Snippets of Thoughts and Realizations

I have no outlandish stories to share today. Only small reflections about various discoveries, as follows:
  • "Tarn" is a fancy word for a lake in the mountains. I learned this from a hippie hiker in Colorado. Has everyone known this for ages and I just haven't been using a thesaurus or dictionary adequately? I'm pretty excited about this new word discovery.
  • With each passing day, I become even more incapable of parallel parking a car. It's difficult when you're used to driving a tinker toy, aka VW Beetle. I struggled for a solid 10 minutes to park my car the other day, and the end result was still embarrassing.
  • Panera needs a parking garage. If there were more parking spots available for my use, the parallel parking problem could be avoided entirely. Get on it, Panera.
  • I still have Jessica Simpson songs on my iPod. This is most definitely even more embarrassing than my parallel parking skills (or lack thereof).
  • The 3:00-4:00 hour is the bane of my existence. All you working people have known this for quite some time, but I have just recently jumped on the bandwagon of hating the dreaded hour. This is further complicated by the fact that I don't like coffee or any other caffeine creation. Must. Press. On.
  • There are people in the world that don't like sprinkles. I am dating one such person. (He also doesn't like bacon or avocados, which perplexes me further. The good news is, we both agree that pizza is a truly magical concept.)
  • Where is fall??? I'm over the this forever season known as Texas summer.
  • This is my latest cute baby animal discovery, resulting in me wanting a baby gorilla. I can't figure out how to spell the high-pitched noise I'm currently making. Just imagine me squealing in your ear. You're probably squealing with me, because surely you've never before seen the cuteness that is a baby gorilla reacting to the coldness of a stethoscope.

I'm specifically not posting any additional pictures with this post for two reasons:
1) No other picture that corresponds to any of the above discoveries can even come close to comparing to baby gorilla cuteness, so why bother?
2) I'm lazy. Hopefully my astute observations reeled you in and you made it to the end of this post without losing interest due to lack of visual displays.

7.12.2012

Dream On

Don't you HATE it when you wake up from an insanely awesome and realistic dream, can still picture it in your head but are unable to put it into words, and then the dream disappears so you're left with nothing but the sad reality of waking up to your neighbor mowing the lawn at 6 a.m. accompanied by the immediate need to pee?

Well, my friends, I woke up from a dream last weekend that was so crazy I specifically laid in bed with my eyes closed and focused on the events until I was able to put words to them and make the pictures stick in my head. Lucky for you, this means I can now share my dream with you. You're welcome in advance. It's pretty great.

Close your eyes and dream with me ...

5.15.2012

Making the Mundane Ridiculous

Sorry for the hiatus. Here's the thing about the real world: you think you're going to have more time on your hands since there are no tests to study for, classes to attend or all-nighters to pull. Work from 8:30 to 5:30 five days a week and the rest of my world is free for the taking, right? Wrong.

The thing is, those random little errands I could run during the day back when I was a collegiate now have to be taken care of when I'm not on the clock. Plus I have the added pitfall that my sorority is no longer creating my social calendar for me. My world as of late is filled with small, random happenings that pop up in my spastic conquest to cram too much into a 24-hour period. This means I don't have any exciting stories to tell you about ditching rock stars or cats flying out of moving vehicles. However, I do feel the need to document my visit to the DMV and instructions on how to lock yourself into your own apartment. And still some of you (namely, my parents) continue reading my random rants. Thank you.

So let's talk about self-serving car washes, shall we? A simple concept to some, but not to me. I'm choosing to blame it on the fact that I have plenty of book smarts, but have to learn street smarts through experience. By "experience" I mean embarrassing myself in public.

2.27.2012

Pick-up Lines That Never Work: Part I

I've decided that my latest blogging endeavor is going to be to keep track of all the horrendous pick-up lines that I hear when I venture out into Fort Worth's social scene. I'll be honest, these occurrences are becoming more rare since I'm now more likely to choose the anti-social option of staying in with my puppy and drinking wine. (Cool kid, right here.)

Perhaps my hesitation to go out into the world has something to do with the sharks that are out there, waiting to throw their one-liners at me. Here are some examples of the word vomit that has assailed me recently.


Pick-up line that will never work #1

"You should smile. You look angry and sad."

I'm a smiler, but I don't just stare off into space with a smile on my face. In this instance, I was standing in a corner while my friends got drinks. Do I want to be the grinning weirdo standing by herself and surveying the room of strangers? No. I was neither angry nor sad; I was ambivalent. But after that lame pick-up, I instantly became annoyed. So I rolled my eyes and walked away.

Pick-up line that will never work #2

"That isn't how you really dance, is it?"

I talked to this kid for about three seconds and then he asked me to dance. Really? If you just insulted my super sweet moves, why would you even want to go there? Or think that I'd be interested? Not happening. And just for the record, yes I do really dance like that. "That" meaning, I only dance to songs that I know the words to so I can act them out.

Pick-up line that will never work #3

"Are you here for a bachelorette party?"
"No. Do you think me or any of my friends look old enough to get married? How old do you think I am?"
"23?"
"... Correct. But I don't want to get married until I'm at least 26. So no, this is not a bachelorette party."
"Well so you can meet your husband tonight, date for 2 years and 2 months, have a 10 month engagement, and be married by the time you're 26."

I can't figure out if this kid was trying to hint that he had chosen himself as my future husband, or if he was just way too interested in math problems. Either way, I thanked him for his interest in the next three years of my life and politely excused myself. A liiiiiiiiiittle too anxious for my taste.

Between Sir Smiles-A-Lot, Lord of the Dance, and Mr. Let-Me-Put-A-Ring-On-It, I have once again been reminded why I'm still single. I assume there are normal men who strike up normal conversations with normal women in this city. I just haven't been approached by any of them yet. Until I do meet one such suitor, I will continue to inform you all of the ridiculousness that I hear.

And a note to the gentlemen in question: I do appreciate the gesture. Walking up to strangers is intimidating. So thanks for deeming me worthy, numbers 1, 2, and 3. Just ... please think twice before you word vomit all over me again and I'm forced to embarrass you by retaliating with a sassy remark and walking away.

2.02.2012

The Adventures of Diva Dog

Two months into being a dog owner, I have one question: HOW DO PEOPLE RAISE ACTUAL CHILDREN?

You can't put a child in a crate when it misbehaves.
You can't drop something on the floor and have your child suck it up like a living vacuum.
You can't plop some dry pebble-like food in a bowl and say "Have at it."
You can't distract a child with a piece of rawhide.
You can't step on your child and say "Oh, she'll be fine."
You can't pull your dog behind you on a leash. Wait, some people do actually do that. But they shouldn't.

One dog is enough for me right now, thank you very much. Props to my parents and all parents out there. No idea how you were on constant alert every single day for 18+ years.

Roxie and I are now our own mini family. Though she is a terror, I love her. Her latest shenanigans:

1.13.2012

Damsel in Distress

Raise your hand if you've been held captive in your own home four times within a span of 15 hours.

What's that? Am I the only one with my hand raised? Shocking.

I've come to realize that living in an apartment means that things break a lot. However, it also means that people come to fix your stuff for you for free! This is excellent news for me since, by nature, as a girly girl I'm incredibly gifted at breaking things. And, by nature, as a girly girl I'm incapable of fixing things on my own.

Exhibits A and B of my girlyness: I wear tiaras in public and in private. (When in private, preferably while crafting and drinking wine.)



I'm the type that won't complain about something until the final breakage happens and leaves me locked in a room, stuck on the side of a road, cleaning up a flooded bathroom, etc. The door knob to my bedroom has been fidgety for the past week, but I have been choosing to ignore it.

It becomes impossible to ignore the problem on Sunday night when the door knob breaks completely and I become locked in my room. I stand with a dog that I know really needs to go to the bathroom in one hand while my other hand tugs and turns at the door knob to no avail. After a solid two minutes of knob turning, I decide  the knob is dead and I am trapped. So I grab my phone to call my roommate (who is very confused about why I'm waking her up via phone when I'm one room away) to rescue me. Too late for the dog since she's already peed and pooped on the carpet, but I learn my lesson and leave the door cracked open before I drift off to sleep.

Fast forward to 2 a.m.