I've decided that my latest blogging endeavor is going to be to keep track of all the horrendous pick-up lines that I hear when I venture out into Fort Worth's social scene. I'll be honest, these occurrences are becoming more rare since I'm now more likely to choose the anti-social option of staying in with my puppy and drinking wine. (Cool kid, right here.)
Perhaps my hesitation to go out into the world has something to do with the sharks that are out there, waiting to throw their one-liners at me. Here are some examples of the word vomit that has assailed me recently.
Pick-up line that will never work #1
"You should smile. You look angry and sad."
I'm a smiler, but I don't just stare off into space with a smile on my face. In this instance, I was standing in a corner while my friends got drinks. Do I want to be the grinning weirdo standing by herself and surveying the room of strangers? No. I was neither angry nor sad; I was ambivalent. But after that lame pick-up, I instantly became annoyed. So I rolled my eyes and walked away.
Pick-up line that will never work #2
"That isn't how you really dance, is it?"
I talked to this kid for about three seconds and then he asked me to dance. Really? If you just insulted my super sweet moves, why would you even want to go there? Or think that I'd be interested? Not happening. And just for the record, yes I do really dance like that. "That" meaning, I only dance to songs that I know the words to so I can act them out.
Pick-up line that will never work #3
"Are you here for a bachelorette party?"
"No. Do you think me or any of my friends look old enough to get married? How old do you think I am?"
"... Correct. But I don't want to get married until I'm at least 26. So no, this is not a bachelorette party."
"Well so you can meet your husband tonight, date for 2 years and 2 months, have a 10 month engagement, and be married by the time you're 26."
I can't figure out if this kid was trying to hint that he had chosen himself as my future husband, or if he was just way too interested in math problems. Either way, I thanked him for his interest in the next three years of my life and politely excused myself. A liiiiiiiiiittle too anxious for my taste.
Between Sir Smiles-A-Lot, Lord of the Dance, and Mr. Let-Me-Put-A-Ring-On-It, I have once again been reminded why I'm still single. I assume there are normal men who strike up normal conversations with normal women in this city. I just haven't been approached by any of them yet. Until I do meet one such suitor, I will continue to inform you all of the ridiculousness that I hear.
And a note to the gentlemen in question: I do appreciate the gesture. Walking up to strangers is intimidating. So thanks for deeming me worthy, numbers 1, 2, and 3. Just ... please think twice before you word vomit all over me again and I'm forced to embarrass you by retaliating with a sassy remark and walking away.
Two months into being a dog owner, I have one question: HOW DO PEOPLE RAISE ACTUAL CHILDREN?
You can't put a child in a crate when it misbehaves.
You can't drop something on the floor and have your child suck it up like a living vacuum.
You can't plop some dry pebble-like food in a bowl and say "Have at it."
You can't distract a child with a piece of rawhide.
You can't step on your child and say "Oh, she'll be fine."
You can't pull your dog behind you on a leash. Wait, some people do actually do that. But they shouldn't.
One dog is enough for me right now, thank you very much. Props to my parents and all parents out there. No idea how you were on constant alert every single day for 18+ years.
Roxie and I are now our own mini family. Though she is a terror, I love her. Her latest shenanigans: