5.04.2014

Tinder Tutorial

Sigh. The Singles Train. We meet again.

Yes, I was completely blindsided. Yes, my heart shattered into a billion pieces. No, I don't want to talk about it. 

So anyway. I've now cycled through breakup phases one through four: 1) The-world-is-ending hysteria 2) Absolute misery and despair 3) Severe confusion 4) Rampant anger. I think I'm kind of sort of maybe almost ready for phase five: Looking at a male without wanting to gouge his eyes out. Which brings us to last week. Slightly out of boredom and slightly because I needed an ego boost, I installed Tinder on my phone. Apparently that's what the kids are doing these days.


In case you aren't familiar, Tinder is the the latest superficial and lazy way to meet someone via technological advancements. It links to your Facebook page to pull your friend list, interests and photos. You can select six photos and write a short biography that explains your entire life story. For example, my life summary reads: "All I need in life to be happy is Chipotle." Not much else you need to know about me. When you look at someone's Tinder profile you can see their photos, their bio and any friends/interests you have in common. Point being: this is all about judging a book by its cover.

I'm not expecting (nor do I want) a deep connection to come of my Tinder usage, but I figure what the heck? I'm in Dallas! There are single men galore! They're educated! They have jobs! And houses! And manners! And nice hair! They can buy me wine! Except no.

Y'all. Have you looked at the male Tinder profiles in the Dallas area? Is this how it is everywhere or has Dallas just somehow attracted every sleaze in America?! I'd like to think that all these men are much more charming and intelligent than they appear, but the way they're presenting themselves is just mind-blowing. Men of Tinder: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

So gentlemen, as a favor to you and to me, I'm providing a tutorial on the Dos and Don'ts of your Tinder profile. (PS These are actual profiles that I found in my Tinder research. Some of them are probably fake robots, but SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ARE REAL. Also, you'll note I have way more pictures of Don'ts than of Dos. That's because for every 150 crazies there is one normal person on Tinder.)