Tinder Tutorial

Sigh. The Singles Train. We meet again.

Yes, I was completely blindsided. Yes, my heart shattered into a billion pieces. No, I don't want to talk about it. 

So anyway. I've now cycled through breakup phases one through four: 1) The-world-is-ending hysteria 2) Absolute misery and despair 3) Severe confusion 4) Rampant anger. I think I'm kind of sort of maybe almost ready for phase five: Looking at a male without wanting to gouge his eyes out. Which brings us to last week. Slightly out of boredom and slightly because I needed an ego boost, I installed Tinder on my phone. Apparently that's what the kids are doing these days.

In case you aren't familiar, Tinder is the the latest superficial and lazy way to meet someone via technological advancements. It links to your Facebook page to pull your friend list, interests and photos. You can select six photos and write a short biography that explains your entire life story. For example, my life summary reads: "All I need in life to be happy is Chipotle." Not much else you need to know about me. When you look at someone's Tinder profile you can see their photos, their bio and any friends/interests you have in common. Point being: this is all about judging a book by its cover.

I'm not expecting (nor do I want) a deep connection to come of my Tinder usage, but I figure what the heck? I'm in Dallas! There are single men galore! They're educated! They have jobs! And houses! And manners! And nice hair! They can buy me wine! Except no.

Y'all. Have you looked at the male Tinder profiles in the Dallas area? Is this how it is everywhere or has Dallas just somehow attracted every sleaze in America?! I'd like to think that all these men are much more charming and intelligent than they appear, but the way they're presenting themselves is just mind-blowing. Men of Tinder: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

So gentlemen, as a favor to you and to me, I'm providing a tutorial on the Dos and Don'ts of your Tinder profile. (PS These are actual profiles that I found in my Tinder research. Some of them are probably fake robots, but SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ARE REAL. Also, you'll note I have way more pictures of Don'ts than of Dos. That's because for every 150 crazies there is one normal person on Tinder.)


You're doing it wrong if...

Mirror Selfies
Hi, these weren't cool on MySpace in 1999 and they aren't cool now. I mean really. See how you all look the same when you do this? And not in a good way. Nice shower curtain, bro. #notimpressed

Shirtless Wannabes
Shirtless while riding a horse; shirtless at the gym; shirtless bro-ing out at the lake. All this tells me is you're either too lazy to do laundry or that you're way too proud of your mediocre six pack. Also, before and after pics: good for you, but I'm uncomfortable. And combining mirror selfie WITH shirtless is just a huge no.


Holding Small Children
Do you think you're the only guy out there who thought, "Oh, I know. I'll post a picture of me being adorable while holding my 6-year-old niece." You aren't. The children are cute, the cliche card you're playing in an attempt to prey on my maternal instincts ... not so much. And if you're a father and that is your kid, I'm hella freaked out.

Posing with Other Women
Is that your sister? Your best friend? Your ex? I don't know, and I don't care enough to figure it out. Next.


Douche Faces
If you're wearing your sunglasses inside/at night, if you're throwing up some weird hand gesture, if you're "modeling," if you just have the general air of a sleaze ... I'm talking to you. Try again.


Anything Involving Your Car (or whatever car you're pretending is yours)
Maybe you want to attract a gold digger. Maybe you want a girl who likes cars. Maybe you're just a tool. I'm not interested in any of the above. And I'm rolling my eyes at you.

Dumb "About Me" Sections (Also Dumb Names)
If you are a complete jerk who makes conceited and/or superficial statements, I'm over it. Also if the most exciting thing about you is that you like to work out ... no. Immediate disqualification for any man that mentions CrossFit or The Chive. And if your name is Critter, Introducing or BJ you need to change your name.

Shirts Manufactured for Middle Schoolers
Is that ... are you wearing an Aeropostale shirt? Did I see an American Eagle logo in your other picture? Hollister is actually still manufacturing clothing and you paid MONEY for that thing? Time to put on some big boy clothes, mmmmmk?

Holding Saxophones 
YOU GUYS. I found more than one picture of a guy holding a saxophone dramatically in front of a landscape. I just can't with these.

Your Real Estate Headshot
Appropriate for a bus bench ad. Not for Tinder.

Whatever Is Going on Here
How about no.



You're doing it right if...

Travel Coolness
You rode an elephant in Thailand? You played with a monkey in Brazil? You swam with sharks in South Africa? Cool. If you did something not involving animals on your travels that's cool, too. I guess.

Holding Puppies
The small child game is cliche but know what never gets old? PUPPIES. GIMME ALL THE PUPPIES YOU GOT.


Bro Pics
Don't overdo this one, but I appreciate knowing that a collection of people find you tolerable enough to be around.

Being a Normal Human
I know this is asking a lot. But you might consider just smiling and looking like a mature, kind, successful, fun, intelligent, put together person. Just a thought.


The good news is, my sense of humor has returned. The bad news is, this is what it's come to. Someone send for help. I'm clearly losing it.


  1. You could have at least put me at the top of "Whatever Is Going On Here". Naked Whataburger is way more whatever than the rest of those posers.